On "The Quest"...
Or, "How do I find a Dom/Dominant/Dominatrix/domme/
Goddess/Mistress/dominant Lady/dominate woman?"
I am asked this question more than any other. At different
times it makes me react in different ways. Sometimes
annoyed: Do I *look* like I have one in my back pocket?
Sometimes confused: How exactly do you think that I can
help you? - I don't even know you and I live on the other
side of the country. Sometimes amused: If I knew the answer
to that, I'd be rich! Sometimes sad: I'm sorry, even though
you seem like a really nice person, I just can't help you.
The actual answer to the question is:
It's not easy and you may never find one.
That said, what is it that increases or decreases someone's
chances of finding a Dominant? There are many different
factors, and they vary depending on the Dominant woman, but
I'll cover some of the basics. Keep in mind that some
submissives actively look for many years before finding a
Dom with whom they are compatible. You must be willing to
be persistent and patient if you really want to succeed.
*** Numbers ***
Whether it's 1:3 or 1:100, most people agree that there are
simply more submissives than there are Dominant women.
These numbers work against you if you're a submissive,
because the competition is strong for the attentions of
those Dominant women who are out there. It's just like
looking for a job. There may be several hundred people
sending in their resumes, and you need yours to stand out
from the crowd. Think about ways that you could make
yourself attractive and interesting to a Dominant woman. If
you have no idea how, that's a sign that you need to get
some good books and read and learn, or spend more time in
a.s.femdom reading what Dominant women say, and what they
say they want. Ask questions if you're unsure of something.
Posting is also a good way to let other people see what
you're like and become familiar with you. If a Dom is
looking for a new submissive, do you think she'll choose a
complete stranger or someone she already knows? Also, look
at ads and postings from other submissives. Think about
what is good or bad in each. Try not to make the same
mistakes.
Put as much effort into your contacts with Dominant women
as you would into a terrific resume. If you're writing
letters, spend some time on them; rewrite them a few times.
Check your spelling and grammar. Ask yourself, "If I got
this would I pay any attention to it?" If not, go back and
do it again. Unless you're a professional writer, the first
thing that you write is usually not going to be very good.
Put some time and effort into it. I often get two line
e-mails that say something like, "I am a submissive and I
live in Some City. I like blah, blah, blah." Big deal! If
the person can't put more effort into it than that, I feel
that they couldn't have wanted my attention that badly -
next candidate! You don't need to write a book but you
should try to write a half-page to a page about yourself
and what your interests are.
If you're calling a Dom, sit down and write out a short
list of what you want to say to her. Nothing is more boring
than sitting on the phone with someone who doesn't say
anything more than, "Yes, Mistress." and "Uh". If you are
casually meeting a Dom in person, be polite, introduce
yourself, make some small talk, and then go away. Do not
give her your complete resume, "My name is Joe, I'm 34
years old, I'm a submissive, I like blah, blah, blah, blah,
will you play with me?" You'll stand out - as a first class
jerk.
Dominant women tend to be free-thinking people. As such,
they also tend to gravitate toward large cities and urban
areas. If you're in a rural area your chances of finding a
Dominant woman near you are much smaller. This leaves you
with a few options. You can be very patient and try to find
someone near you (I'm talking *years* of patience here),
you can be willing to travel to a larger city to meet a
Dom, you can be willing to pay or compensate a Dom to come
to visit you, or you can move. New York City, San
Francisco, Los Angeles, and London will have the highest
number of visible Dominants per capita, so those are your
best choices. Other large cities are also good. Cities like
Washington, DC may be good or bad, since they are large,
but discretion is so important there. Large cities in the
Southern US can also be problematic for the same reasons.
If you're in an urban area, or near one, find out where the
BDSM people meet. There are often nightclubs that are BDSM
oriented, or have special fetish nights. Most large cities
have BDSM social, support and/or instructional
organizations, such as The National Leather Association
(NLA), People Exchanging Power (PEP), The Black Rose, or
The Eulenspeigal Society (TES). Check the alt.sex.femdom
FAQ and the alt.sex.bondage FAQ for addresses. Many BDSM
publications also have very good listings of these groups.
If you can find an issue of "S&M Utopia Guardian" they
have very good listings, as does "Prometheus", published by
The Eulenspeigal Society. Go to these groups not only to
socialize, but also to learn. If you improve your knowledge
and skills, you also improve your chances of standing out
from the crowd. Don't go expecting to meet a Dominant woman
and take her home - it won't happen.
If you're in a rural area, or can't join an organization,
another place to look is on local adult bulletin boards.
There are literally thousands of adult BBS's around the
country. If you don't know of any in your area, check out
the alt.bbs.* newsgroups, or pick up a copy of a BBS
oriented magazine like "Boardwatch" or "BBS". The larger
adult BBS's usually have advertisements in the back. Since
people on a local BBS will tend to be local people, you
increase your chances of finding someone in your area. Some
BBS's also sponsor social get- togethers where you can meet
the people that you chat with on-line. (This is a great
idea since, unfortunately, many people on-line are not
exactly as they would have you believe.) You can also try
getting a copy of one of the many BDSM or domination
personal ads magazines or newspapers, but be careful about
answering ads that sound too good to be true - they usually
are. Jay Wiseman's book SM101 has an excellent section
about personal ads, and it's recommended reading if you're
thinking about placing or answering a personal ad.
*** Professionals ***
The reality is that it doesn't take a novice Dominant woman
long to realize that she's in demand, and that she can make
money as a result of that demand. Many good (and sometimes
bad) Dominants become professionals. If you're looking for
a professional, or you're looking for an occasional session
and you don't mind paying, then you're in luck! All you
need to do to find a Dominant is to pick up a copy of
Domination Directory International (DDI), your local
underground newspaper, or almost any BDSM magazine at your
local adult bookstore and call or write the woman of your
choice. Sessions cost between $100 and $300 US depending on
the area and the skill or fame of the woman. Be sure to
work out the financial and other details before the
session.
If you're not looking for a professional, then your chances
just got worse. Because a knowledgeable, experienced, or
attractive Dominant woman is likely to be drawn toward
professional domination, there are fewer talented amateurs
left. They are out there, though. You can meet them through
organizations, the Net, BBS's, or at social events. Keep in
mind, though, you're going to have to look longer and
harder to find a compatible amateur Dom than you will a
professional.
Some Doms are insulted about being asked if they are
professional or not, but most don't mind if you ask
discreetly. Myself, I'm proud of my amateur standing, but
I'm also complimented if someone thinks I'm good enough to
be a professional. If the Lady is a professional and you
would like to see her, ask if it's better to call her at a
later time to work out the details. This is especially true
if you are a social event or a party where she might not
feel comfortable discussing business. Most professionals,
and some non-professionals, have business cards with their
name and address, and sometimes their phone number. If you
know that a Lady is a professional and you think you might
be interested in seeing her at a later date, ask for her
card.
Keep in mind that a professional Dominant is not a
prostitute. Do not expect her to have sex with you, or even
allow you "manual release", just because you are paying
her. You are paying for her time and her skills, just like
you would pay your doctor or your dentist. She is also not
your girlfriend. If you come to see her often you may
develop a friendly relationship with her, or you may not.
She likely has lots of other clients and you are just one
of them. Remember that no matter how pleasurable it is, it
is still a business transaction.
*** Privacy ***
It's unfortunate, but most people need to keep their
interests in female domination private. Most people would
prefer that their family, friends, co-workers, and
neighbors didn't know about their interests and activities.
This is just as true for Doms as it is for subs. Your next
door neighbor, the owner of a local store, or the woman at
the Post Office counter might be a Dom and you would never
know it. This, unfortunately, decreases your chances of
finding a Dominant woman. There isn't any special symbol or
pin that we wear to let people "in" on our interests. A
woman in high heels and black leather may be a Dom, or she
may just be fashionable. A woman with handcuffs hanging
from her rearview mirror may be into bondage, or they may
just be a gag gift from a friend. Don't assume that a woman
is a Dominant just because she has one of the "symbols" of
domination. On the other hand, don't assume that a woman
isn't a Dominant just because she isn't carrying a whip and
barking orders.
"So," you ask, "if I don't know if a woman is a Dominant,
how do I know if she's a Dominant woman?" It seems like a
Catch-22, and it is. You usually can't tell if a woman is
Dominant just by looking at her. One of the best ways to
tell if a woman is dominant is by her attitude. Most
sexually Dominant women are not shy wallflowers (although
some are). If you meet an aggressive, assertive woman the
chances are better that she has dominant tendencies. Keep
in mind, though, that she wants her privacy as much as you
do. If you ask someone you don't know very well about
intimate parts of their life, chances are that they are
either are going to be angry or are not going to tell you
the truth. If you make a subtle reference and she doesn't
seem interested, don't push.
Dominant women also don't have any sort of Union or
network. We don't all know each other; we don't all
communicate. Asking a Dominant woman if she knows of anyone
looking for a submissive in a town on the other side of the
country isn't likely to yield much. First, she's most
likely to know Dominant women in her own area. Second, if
she's not extremely well aquainted with you she's not going
to give out private information about a friend, or even
risk embarrassment by referring someone to her friends who
might turn out to be a jerk. If you absolutely must ask,
then give your own information and ask her if she would be
willing to pass it on for you. If you don't hear anything
in response, drop the issue.
If you do find a woman who is a Dominant, keep it to
yourself. If you violate a Dominants desire for privacy not
only will she refuse to see you again, its likely that
she'll let everyone she knows hear about your bad behavior.
I heard from a fellow Dom about the bad behavior of a
submissive that she knew casually. He saw her in a popular
dance club and immediately knelt at her feet and began
kissing her boots. She was with a "vanilla" boyfriend and a
co-worker at the time and was very upset at his actions.
She has never forgiven him and neither has anyone else.
*** Looks ***
Dominant women range from ugly to beautiful, just like
women in general. If you have your heart set on meeting a
tall, beautiful, blond Dominant or a buxom, ravishing,
redheaded Goddess your chances just got much smaller. If
looks are really that important to your happiness in a
scene be prepared to look for a long time, or be willing to
pay a professional who has the looks that you want. You'll
have better luck finding a Dominant if you concentrate on
her personality and skills. Some of the best Dominant women
that I know would never win a beauty contest, but their
assertive attitude, self assurance, and refined skills are
absolutely breathtaking. If she can't, or won't, do the
things that are going to satisfy you it doesn't much matter
what she looks like. Think of it this way: If you're bound,
blindfolded, and in ecstasy, what does it matter what she
looks like?
*** Attitude ***
Real Dominant women will not be like the women you see in
the magazines. We are not just dying for a chance to Dom
you or anyone else. We do not want you to drop to your
knees and worship us NOW! (for $3.65 a minute). Actually,
we usually couldn't care less about what you demand that we
do. If you approach a Dominant woman with a "What can you
do for me?" attitude, you're going to be laughed at. Do-Me
Queens are selfish, controlling, and annoying. If you're
pushy, rude, rash, or overly forward with a Dominant, you
will most likely lose the chance to ever play with her.
There are hundreds of submissives out there; she doesn't
need to waste her time with a jerk. Dominant women are not
public utilities. Just because a woman is a Dominant
doesn't mean that she's your Dominant, or that she has any
interest at all in playing with you. If you're just
interested in yourself and what you want, please do us all
a favor and go pay a prostitute to play-act with you.
On the opposite hand, if you just sit there like a limp
dishrag you'll never get anything. You may think that
sitting quietly with your head down shows that you're a
true submissive. What it really shows is that you're
boring. If you want to meet a Dominant woman, you have to
meet her. If you want to attract her attention, you have to
attract her attention. Strong and submissive are not
opposites. If you are very shy get a friend to introduce
you and to hang around to keep the conversation going, or
try writing the Lady a letter. You don't have to throw
yourself at her feet to attract her attention, but you do
at least have to move and talk. If you approach her with
the attitude that she probably won't even notice you and if
she does you're not good enough to be her submissive,
chances are that she won't notice you and that if she does
she'll wonder if you're good enough to be her submissive.
Act in a way that gives a Dominant confidence in you and
your abilities and sincerity. Don't forget to smile!
Along with a good attitude, goes honesty. If you overstate
yourself, your looks, your abilities, or your experience,
then you are lying to your Dominant. If you tell the Lady
that you are 6'2", very attractive, and athletic, when
you're really 5'10", average looking, and a couch potato
she's certainly going to notice the first time she meets
you. The relationship might well end right there. If you're
not a corporate executive, don't say so. Being a programmer
or working in a bank is honest work - don't be ashamed of
what you do. Especially, don't try to make yourself seem
more experienced or more knowledgeable in the scene than
you really are. It's foolish, dangerous, and disappointing.
There is no shame in being a novice.
I saw a submissive at a play party tell a serious Dominant
that he liked heavy pain and she took him at his word. They
agreed to play and he called safeword after the second
stroke. She immediately asked what was wrong and he said,
"That hurt!" She reminded him that he had said that he
liked pain and his reply was that he didn't realize it
would hurt so much in real life! As funny as the story is,
no one would play with him again.
*** Timing ***
Sometimes you just have the bad luck to approach a Dominant
at a time that she doesn't need or want a new submissive.
Some Doms acquire new submissives every few weeks, some
only take a new submissive once a decade. If a Dom has made
it clear that she isn't looking for a submissive, don't be
a fool by offering your immediate services. You may want to
send a short letter to let her know that you are looking
for a Dominant and would be very happy for her to keep you
in mind if she knows of any future openings. A lack of a
reply means the same thing as "No". Don't send follow-up
letters whining that you haven't gotten an answer from her.
Not answered means not interested.
Don't be rude to a Dominant just because she said "No" to
you. You should take your "No"s politely and cheerfully and
keep in good standing with the Lady. A short note thanking
her for her time and consideration and asking that she keep
you in mind for the future is a nice touch. (If you're very
brave you can even ask the reason that she turned you down,
but do this only if you're prepared for an honest answer
that could hurt your feelings.) There are many submissives
that I've had to say "No" to because the timing wasn't
right, but some have stayed in occasional polite contact
(polite is the key word here!), and if I ever wanted a new
submissive those would be the people I would think of
first. If you have the patience to wait until the timing is
right, you will increase your chances of finding a Dom.
*** Building Your Own ***
In the true spirit of DIY, many submissives beat the odds
of finding a Dominant by making their own. This isn't easy.
Your first few projects may fail miserably and you may lose
faith, but it is possible - and when it does work its a
great solution. What you need is an open-minded woman who
has some dominant tendencies. You help her to develop those
tendencies and teach her how to be the Dom that you've
always wanted. The woman can be your wife, your girlfriend,
or a female sex-buddy. Unfortunately, the process takes
years of hard work and there are always setbacks.
If you want to undertake to make your own Dom you need to
have a long, slow plan in mind. You can't just hit someone
with a lot at once - they'll freak out. Start very slowly.
Add mild domination play to your normal sex life. Have her
playfully spank you for "being bad". Buy her some leather
lingerie that flatters her figure. Tell her you want to be
her "love slave" and kiss her body all over. Let her know
that you've always wanted to try sex "tied up". Keep it
light and keep the focus on her. If she's not happy, you
won't succeed. Buy her a copy of Lady Green's "The Sexually
Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners". It's
very, very friendly and is excellent for a novice Dominant.
Be reassuring. She most likely has been told all her life
that this is sick and kinky. Let her know that it's fun.
Let her know that this is for her too. Let her know that
she's in control and can stop any time she wants. Show her
this newsgroup so that she doesn't feel as if she's alone
in her interests. If you think that that's too much for
her, print out selected postings for her that validate her
feelings. Heavy S&M porn or low budget D&S
magazines will usually turn a woman off. Think before you
expose her to something that may freak her out. Once you've
done it, you can't take it back. Keep the lines of
communication open. If something seems to be upsetting her,
don't just blow it off - honestly talk about it.
Pay attention to those things that seem to interest her the
most. Be sure to explore those things that she would like
to try, even if they don't appeal to you at first. If
someone were asking you to do things that didn't appeal to
you, you would quickly lose interest. Exploring together
can be thrilling; always fulfilling someone else's demands
can be demeaning. Expect that things may go along very well
for while and then she may refuse to have anything to do
with domination. Guilt and bad feelings are very strong.
Don't push. Keep talking honestly and communicating openly.
Try to ease any bad feelings, but don't promise what you
really can't give. Many submissives promise to give up
their interests in domination in order to keep the
relationships happy - we all know that it never works for
long.
If you are patient (and lucky), you can end up with the Dom
of your dreams without having to even leave your own home.
Never, ever, underestimate the gem that you now have in
your hands. If you do, she will likely take her new-found
skills to someone else's hands.
*** What will happen when you finally have a Dominant? ***
What!? Do you expect me to spoil all the fun? Never! :) Now
go and play...
July 1995