WHAT IS SM?
SM is erotic play, based on deliberate roles of dominance
and submission.
Often it is sexual though not always. Conventional
courtship and erotic play may use ploys of domination and
submission, but in SM these roles are deliberate and are
played out as such.
By being deliberately dominant and submissive with one
another, we give and receive permission and power to enter
the territory of our erotic fantasies - a territory we can
enter in no other way. It is an incomparable, transcendent
experience.
SM is an adult sex game, an erotic psychodrama, and a
daring adventure into human nature. It includes endless
physical and mental games. Some people like to think of it
as "Post-Graduate Sex." Good SM can make almost any fantasy
come true.
SM is not for everyone. But it is done all over the world,
by women as well as by men, and in any culture. For many,
many people, SM is the only way to go. SM is not a trifling
practice, nor is it an aberrant one. Regardless of the
myths, the truth is that good SM is mutual, consensual,
loving, safe, moral, healthy, and normal.
ISN'T SM CRUELTY AND RAPE?
SM roles of domination and submission are deliberately
chosen by both partners. In spite of appearances, fantasies
and the little games we may play, SM is always mutual. True
SM is never rape, nor does it ever involve the abuse of
unwilling victims.
ISN'T SM SEXIST?
Sexism tries to impose roles of domination and submission
based strictly on our physical sex organs. SM people, on
the other hand, choose domination or submission (or both)
according to their own inner feelings and desires. SM is
always an exciting way to honest, shared eroticism. Sexism
is not.
ISN'T SM SEXUAL HATRED, THE OPPOSITE OF LOVE?
Real-life relationships have some hate along with the love.
The psychodramas of SM let us be "bad" with one another, as
well as "good." Then we can express both love and hate in a
positive, erotic way. Then we can accept and enjoy both
ourselves and one another. This is a good basis for love.
ISN'T SM DANGEROUS?
For people without actual SM experience, the fantasies and
appearances of SM are often excessive and frightening. But
real SM is not the same as SM fantasy, SM porn, nor SM in
the movies. Some SM people look rough, but this is just a
courtship signal for rough action. And some SM activities
can be dangerous, but they are based on careful techniques
- and even more careful practice. Good SM is as safe as
swimming or driving a car.
ISN'T SM PROMISCUOUS, IMPERSONAL, OR ALIENATED?
Like many other people, some SM-identified people like a
variety of partners - but many also live in faithful
monogamy. There are no statistics. SM reflects only
individual desire. But it is surely the opposite of being
"impersonal" or "alienated" that we find ourselves being
able to share and express our erotic fantasies together,
rather than having to repress and conceal them, as so many
people do.
ISN'T SM IMMORAL, OR AGAINST THE SOCIAL ORDER?
Many people believe in higher religious or political
ideals, existing above all individuals, and under which
they believe all individuals should serve. SM does not
serve any such higher ideal. SM offers power only for
individual fulfillment. Thus SM may seem threatening or
willfully immoral to those who rely on higher ideals for
their sense of security and importance - even though many
SM-identified people see no necessary conflict between such
higher ideals and individual fulfillment.
SM opens kinky, weird, and scary places within us. Many
people think that
such places contain sin -- that they are proof of inherent
corruption and should be kept shut in the dark forever. But
in SM we can discover that human beings are not vessels of
evil. These strange places within us contain important
erotic energy, which we can learn to share with others.
Everyone has faults and weaknesses. If you feel that your
own basic nature tends to lean toward evil, then SM is not
for you. But, if you feel that underneath it all you are a
good person, then you may wish to give SM a try.
SM-identified people are people who have learned not to be
afraid of themselves.
ISN'T SM SICK AND UNNATURAL?
Anything done to excess can be cal led a mental illness.
But mental illness is not something consciously chosen: it
is uncontrolled, non-consensual, and destructive. SM is
consciously chosen, consensual, and integrating. Don't be
misled by words such as "sadist" or "masochist." Despite
the myths, neither the Marquis de Sade nor Leopold
Sacher-Masoch were insane or evil. Both were positive,
creative people. Psychology only borrowed their names to
describe types of mental illness - not to describe our
reality. SM is healthy. It affirms our fantasies and
reconnects them to real relationships and to real people.
Many psychologists believe that civilization itself is
based on erotic
repression - like Freud in his essay Civilization and Its
Discontents. If this is true, then SM is the only erotic
play that taps into that repressed
erotic energy, and there may be SM potential in everyone.
HOW DO PEOPLE BECOME SM-IDENTIFIED?
If your erotic fantasies often involve having power over
another, or another who has power over you, then you have
latent SM tendencies. It may be terrifying at first to
admit to such fantasies. But SM fantasies of dominance and
submission only mean that you need your partner's
permission to get into an erotic territory that is
important to you. In order to accept your SM fantasies,
just realize that there are many other people in the world
who would like to give you that permission, and to share
your fantasy with you. Such people are as valid and as
human as you are. Then you can accept your own SM fantasies
as valid and human, too.
HOW DO PEOPLE GET STARTED IN SM?
Learning SM is like learning to swim or to ri de a bicycle.
Expect some wobbling or thrashing about until you get the
hang of it.
Start easy. The fantasies of virgins are notoriously
excessive and impractical. SM doesn't have to be physically
rough, nor does it require pain, torture - or even sex. Try
a blindfold, or "pretend" bondage. Even the simplest things
can communicate permission and power to enter the realm of
erotic fantasy, and can release astonishing amounts of
erotic energy. Probably the best thing would be to try SM
with someone close - a spouse or a lover. (It is amazing
that people will contract a lifetime marriage, but not
trust one another - or themselves - to try SM sex
together!) Call your local sex information switchboard for
information and advice.
Better yet, volunteer to serve on it! You'll meet nice
people who can talk about SM. Some may even be into SM
themselves.
Take courses in sexuality. You'll m eet more nice people.
Even at medical schools, such courses may be open to
non-students.
Call the SM-related ads in the counter-culture newspapers.
Ask for advice: you'll be surprised at the variety of
answers. Don't omit the gay ads (or the straight ones) nor
the commercial ones. Truth is where you find it.
Ask your friends whether they think sex play is more
exciting if one partner is dominant or submissive. Many sex
partners play dominant/submissive games with each other,
never thinking of it as SM.
People who place sex ads have done something important:
they have defined themselves erotically for others. Can you
do this? Try writing your own ad, as a dominant,
submissive, or both, regardless of whether or not you
intend to publish it.
Experiment on yourself with bondage, fetish clothing, pain,
or whatever else you're interested in. Watch yourself in a
mirror. How do they make you feel? Would you like to create
that sensation in another person? Or have another person
create that sensation in you!
Take your fantasies seriously. What turns you on? Why? What
does this say about you? Define yourself as the
mirror-image of your ideal partners. What courtship styles
can you invent to attract your imagined, desired partner!
In some large cities, there is an SM subculture, which may
be difficult for novices to enter. But after you've made
one SM friend, others will follow.
Lastly, join an SM-related group, such as The Society of
Janus. You'll find friends, ideas, information, and - most
of all - support there.
12/5/95